Pushing on

I've been battling probably one of the most challenging things in my life. That battle is called unemployment. No its not me but it's still really rough. Every day I wake up, I put on a smiley face and get thru my day. Somehow I push on.
I have to remind myself daily sometimes every few hours that God is using this to mold me into a stronger person. Nearly every day I am at the brink of tears. At times it takes everything in me just to hold them in. Jeff and I have battled everything you can imagine. You name it and we've gotten past it. Well this thing called unemployment just sits on my shoulders. Sometimes it feels like too much. It makes me wish I could crawl into bed, feel sorry for myself and cry.

But I can't. I can't show Jeff I'm scared. I can't tell my kids I can't buy them something because I want to give up. So I push on. I know I have a purpose. It's getting harder and harder to see the light at the end of this tunnel i'm in. I feel like I'm in such a dark place right now. I honestly don't know why I haven't just found somewhere to hide.

You know how people say when one door closes another opens? Well i'm feeling just the opposite. One door closes just for me to run into another closed door. I'm honestly tired of family and friends saying everything is going to be ok. I know its supposed to be comforting but no one really knows what im dealing with. I'm the one that has to tell my kids wait til Friday and we will see. Sorry guys we have no money. Oh we have to pay our $500 power bill. No McDonalds its hot dogs tonight. Im the one who has to see their disappointed little faces. Yea I can explain it to them but they are kids. Its hard to grasp. Its hard for me to grasp. But this is reality.

I went home and let myself cry yesterday after seeing my bank statement. The mistake was my fault but the bank didnt want to work with me at all. I even hit a wall. Literally. And I have no idea why people hit things because it hurt. We did sell our couches though. Thats a blessing right? To have enough money to cover your mess up with the bank? When all you wanted was enough money to do a little Christmas shopping?

Well back to square one. I'll push on........

And if anyone reads this it was never for anyone to feel sorry for my family. I don't need pity. I pity my situation enough. We have it better than most. God has blessed me with a good job, vehicles that run even if they arent in ideal condition, & my kids have never missed a meal unless it was their own choice.

I just thought it would be easier for me to cope if I got my thoughts out.

Monster Jam

Lately I've been winning tickets to go see fun stuff with the kids. Last week was the Ringling brother tickets. I even won the grand prize putting me 4 rows from the front plus $40 in snack vouchers! The kids loved it. Last Friday we drove all the way out to Primm to see the monster trucks. It wasnt as amazing as the one held at Sam Boyd but it gave Jacob a small taste at how loud the drag races would be.

We told him Friday morning that he would get to see monster trucks. I love it when we have something to hold over the kids. Kind of motivation to get them to do the things that they would normally whine about. Jacob even took a nap to prep for the night ahead of him.

When we got into the arena he was so quiet. When we sat down he was still so quiet. I thought for sure when he heard the trucks reving their engines he would say something but nothing. When they pulled in his eyes got huge. I would have loved to have taken his picture at that very moment. The look was priceless. He sat thru it though. Smiling and amazed as the giant trucks smashed the ity bity cars.

It wasnt until the next day when is daddy came home with a toy truck for him. When he saw it, he realized that it was the same truck he saw the night before.  All he could say was it did donuts!

I'm so happy that its the simplist things that make him happy. Oh yea the older 2 were pretty excited as well. Riley is now saving for a dirt bike so he can do tricks like the bikers that were there.

Welcome to Hogwarts

Today we celebrated my second borns birthday.  I remember it like it was yesterday when we brought him into this world. 7 lbs 15 ounces all boy. Now 9 years later its so hard to believe that I once use to hold that kid in my arms.

OK well enough sissy la la stuff...he decided he wanted  a Harry Potter themed birthday & a pool party & a sleep over. Thanks to my amazing cousin in Washington, I had everything I needed as far as decorations go.  Since it was a pool party we wanted to keep it simple. I dont know why but our parties always seem so chaotic. Its always family and close friends but always madness!! Jeff and I go from the minute we wake up until the moment we get to fall into bed. Its so worth it after seeing how happy our boy is.

Here are the pics....you have to know Harry Potter to understand some of it.

Kings Cross Station is a train station

I was telling everyone to run into it

"Welcome" **made by Tiffany

The snack table 

Honeydukes

The spider

the yummy food. My mom made these yummy buffalo chicken bites

the drinks

the magical spell book

Hedwig guarding the beans

Owl Post

The Sorting Hat. What house will you be in.....

Potions

Harrys Map

Riley & Karley

Riley & James

My grandpa

Oooh the cake

Make a wish

the gifts

the little brother

more gifts

litte Savannah

My lil Bekah

My goofy wizard

*I forgot to add the invite. Maybe later :)

Thanks to everyone that came!!

What's your passion?

Last month I had the chance to go to the ladies tea at my church. My friend had asked me if I wanted to help her decorate a table. Not sure what this entailed I reluctantly said yes. Well turns out her mother has an amazing friend that ended up helping her better than I ever could. When I arrived at the church there were tables set up everywhere! They were decorated so amazingly. Every woman did a great job. I wish now that I would have taken pictures.

Well besides sitting and having fellowship I was able to listen to a sermon. Basically to sum it up the question was "What is stopping you from becoming involved?" and "What is your passion?" I knew exactly what was keeping me from doing things. I wrote that down right away and was happy to throw that excuse away. My passion....I've thought about this for so many years. What plan does God really have for me? Then instantly it came to me. I am here to help struggling mothers. Young struggling moms. I was that young struggling mom once upon a time.

And its not limited to girls that get pregnant right out of high school like me. I think God wants me to help guide them to let them know that its not hopeless. That things will be ok. I struggle now but I know there's a plan. There just has to be.

A little background on my struggle....I was fresh out of high school. I hated my senior year. I had lost so much then that when I finally got away from it I just wanted to have fun. It was a summer of partying and drinking and things that happen inbetween. I was still responsible. I had my own place. I went to work everyday so this must be ok. Well by the end of summer I found myself pregnant. How could this be? I had plans for my life. I was going to go to college and was not following in the steps of the women in my family.
Turns out I had gotten pregnant a week after I graduated. After lots of crying I decided to confirm it. Flipped open the yellow pages and turns out the place I needed to go was on the first page. Tell me thats not the devil trying to work in my life. I felt so alone. At least thats what I believe the devil wanted me to think. He put thoughts in my head that in my heart I knew I could never go thru with but he was really messing with me. So I made an appointment. I went down just to confirm things and see how far I was. I laid on the bed alone. I didnt know what to expect. The ultrasound tech brought in a machine and put some cold gel on my belly. 12 weeks pregnant! I asked if I could see but she wouldnt let me. They are in the market to make money and if you become attached to something so precious how can they make their money. Even though I felt alone God was with me in that room. He let me know that there was just something so wrong about this.  I left that place and never looked back. 11 years later I have this really great kid and think back on how crazy my thinking was to believe I was so alone. And there are so many girls that think this way.

So anyways, back to now....a lot of people are doing terrible with the fall of our economy. But life goes on. We still have babies, still have house and car payments but just need a little help to get thru this. My friend had recently found out that God has blessed her with a little bun in the oven. Not even thinking twice I offered anything I could to help her. I didn't realize that this was part of what God wanted me to do. I had the chance again yesterday. I hear people all the time saying that God spoke to them. Why doesn't he talk to me I wondered?? Maybe I wasnt listening but yesterday I heard him loud and clear. I dont want to make it sound like im tooting my own horn but listening to God and doing what he placed on my heart made me feel so good. It made me feel like people could see Him thru me.

I know this blog jumped all over the place but I just felt so inspired to share what God is using me for. :)

Growing Pains

I seriously don't know how to handle my oldest. He's not that little boy anymore but not quite a teen yet. I guess the cool term is a "tween". Besides having an attitude that makes his precious little face so slappable, he has a gaziollion questions.

Riley slipped by the pool and hit his head on the metal handrails. He got an egg sized bump on his head. No problem....I carried him inside, smacked some frozen peas on it for 10 minutes, gave him some tylenol and sent him on his happy way. Jacob is my whiner. Again, no problem. We go and blow bubbles or play Batman for a little while and he's all set. My Princess. She is so independant. Give her her puppy and blanket and shes perfectly content.

Now back to the boy. He is me in so many ways. Maybe this is why Jeff says that they are gonna butt heads. He can only handle one of me :) I'm guessing this isnt a compliment. He's like me because he has that sarcastic humor that I have. No one knows if hes serious but me not to mention he's just as much a smart ass as his mom. Now thats a compliment.....

It's like playing 20 questions with him but he gets to ask all the questions. I'm completely open with him. I feel like if he's asking then he's ready to hear the answers. I answer them at his level. Well ever since he took Sex-ed on Friday he is suddenly "more mature and grown up." Ugh actually more annoying than anything.  Here is a common question....
"Mom, can I play this game?" Me...."Whats it rated?" Jeffrey, "Um....mom, why can't I? All my friends get to play and I have to just watch." Me, "Then go live with them."

I get this one at least 4-5 times a week. Here is another.....

"Mom, can I watch this scary movie?" Me...."Let me look it up." Jeffrey, "Ugh forget it."

Now my common response to the games and movie questions is "Would you feel comfortable with Pastor Bryon sitting next to you?"

So on top of all the other questions that he asks those 2 are the most common. I want to feel bad that all his friends get to but I'm trying to protect his mind. Shelter him? Yea maybe a little so he can be a kid a little bit longer.

He got the chance to stay the night at his grandmas this weekend and he called me to find out if he could watch a scary movie. So I told him I would have to check really quick. He was not happy with my answer and it also doesnt help the comments I get from adults who tell him that the movie wasnt bad but that is a whole other story. I'm hapy that I can at least trust him when he isn't home with me.

Maybe there is a reason God started our children as babies so that we could slowly grow the patience and be ready for when they became "tweens" then oh goodness TEENS! If we were started as teens I dont think very many of us would have made it to be adults.

I wanted to thank my Uncle Bena for not killing me as a teenager. My attitude with him was terrible. Guess you get what you give :)

Spiraling out of control

OK so maybe im being a little dramatic but what can I say maybe its a Ludlow thing. If you are a Ludlow then i'm sorry I guess I meant more aJeff thing.  So anyways back to my life spiraling out of control....I guess I can start from the beginning. We moved into this house. We moved out of my mansion. I pout and complain about it at times. It makes Jeff feel bad so I try to bite my tongue most times.  YES, I've become very spoiled and accustomed to the life that a Union sheet metal worker could provide. When there was a lottery and the prize was your last check that was the start of the downfall.

Yes me and Jeff decided that a smaller house was the way to go. It sounded alright even practical. Well now I sit here in this house that smells like old man and is way older than me. I try not to get anxious. I have no room to put everything that once fit in my mansion (i forgot to mention that when I got married I inherited exageration) Of all the things I hate, I absolutely hate hate HATE clutter. I am at a loss of what to do.

My desk is buried. There are toys EVERYWHERE (which is ok because I have 4 kids), the counters are covered with boxes full of only God knows........

BUT there is hope. The bestest friend ever Kelly sent me a link. Task of the day is to polish my sink. Thats all....Polish my sink! Can I possibly sit and not touch the clutter? We will see. Wish me luck.

Sorry just had to get this off my chest

Slumber party

Or is it a sleepover if they are boys? Well either way, Jacob has had his little cousin Michalah stay the night but its not quite like having a boy his age over. Jacob always has older boys (his brothers) or  his partner in crime (his baby sister) to hang out with. Never a boy his age and in this case its his cousin Austin.

Well it started by the toys. Jacob had to show off his pride and joy like most men do. They like to show off what they have. Well Jacob dumps all his prized possessions in Austins lap and says "Those are my Gotman (Batman) happy meal." Austin " Those are cool!" Jakey "Yea, they are cool." I love the conversations of little kids. What seems like petty chatter to us means the world to them.

As the day went on they both enjoyed some pizza, did some action hero moves when Batman came on the tv and pushed each other around in the Crazy Coupe. They had to learn to take turns. After a lot of kicking and screaming they started to catch on. They ended up having so much fun that I think they both can't wait until the next sleepover!

Showing off the toys

Obviously having a good time



 Had to throw one in of the girl

My cookie taste testers