Pushing on

I've been battling probably one of the most challenging things in my life. That battle is called unemployment. No its not me but it's still really rough. Every day I wake up, I put on a smiley face and get thru my day. Somehow I push on.
I have to remind myself daily sometimes every few hours that God is using this to mold me into a stronger person. Nearly every day I am at the brink of tears. At times it takes everything in me just to hold them in. Jeff and I have battled everything you can imagine. You name it and we've gotten past it. Well this thing called unemployment just sits on my shoulders. Sometimes it feels like too much. It makes me wish I could crawl into bed, feel sorry for myself and cry.

But I can't. I can't show Jeff I'm scared. I can't tell my kids I can't buy them something because I want to give up. So I push on. I know I have a purpose. It's getting harder and harder to see the light at the end of this tunnel i'm in. I feel like I'm in such a dark place right now. I honestly don't know why I haven't just found somewhere to hide.

You know how people say when one door closes another opens? Well i'm feeling just the opposite. One door closes just for me to run into another closed door. I'm honestly tired of family and friends saying everything is going to be ok. I know its supposed to be comforting but no one really knows what im dealing with. I'm the one that has to tell my kids wait til Friday and we will see. Sorry guys we have no money. Oh we have to pay our $500 power bill. No McDonalds its hot dogs tonight. Im the one who has to see their disappointed little faces. Yea I can explain it to them but they are kids. Its hard to grasp. Its hard for me to grasp. But this is reality.

I went home and let myself cry yesterday after seeing my bank statement. The mistake was my fault but the bank didnt want to work with me at all. I even hit a wall. Literally. And I have no idea why people hit things because it hurt. We did sell our couches though. Thats a blessing right? To have enough money to cover your mess up with the bank? When all you wanted was enough money to do a little Christmas shopping?

Well back to square one. I'll push on........

And if anyone reads this it was never for anyone to feel sorry for my family. I don't need pity. I pity my situation enough. We have it better than most. God has blessed me with a good job, vehicles that run even if they arent in ideal condition, & my kids have never missed a meal unless it was their own choice.

I just thought it would be easier for me to cope if I got my thoughts out.